Maybe I’m just lazy.

As I write this, I should be doing homework. The end of the semester is fast approaching and so are deadlines for portfolios, final projects, and essays. But here I am, writing on a blog I barely look at, talking about something I should be working on instead of doing it.

I’ll try not to talk too much about the problems I’m having while trying to complete one of my final projects, but I will say that the video editing software I’m using won’t work. That’s not the point of this post. The point is to talk about my depression. It’s to talk about how before the program stopped working, before I lost an hour of progress, before I emailed my professor to say that I won’t be completing the project tonight, I stared at the computer for an hour incapable of doing anything.

Before I could start this project, I had to work up the energy to actually do it. Let me tell you, there are so many things that I can do that take less energy than this project. Social media is one. Writing this blog post is another. A depression shower. Drinking another soda. More social media. Staring at the wall. Staring at Adobe Premiere, just hoping I’ll be able to figure it out (I couldn’t). Crying. The list goes on.

It just took so much energy, so much willpower, just to open the project, just to try to start it. I’m sure many of you will think something along the lines of “You sound so lazy. Stop procrastinating and do your work”. I’m sure I do sound lazy, but it isn’t my laziness that’s stopping me from doing my homework. I would give anything to be able to get through this project. I would love to be able to focus on my project, or even start it at all. But it isn’t that easy.

My depression keeps me from doing a lot of things. Sometimes getting out of bed just takes too much energy. Most of the time I can push through. I push through my mental illnesses every single day, but a lot of times I can’t. I just don’t have the energy to do something so simple. Something, that if the stars were aligned and the program was working, would not even take that long. But I just can’t do it.